Wednesday, September 14, 2011

ANALS OF BIG SHOE DIARIES: ROBERT BURNS, YE’SE GET A HOLE TO HIDE IT IN

Leading up to the 2nd Anniversary of BSD, we're re-posting some of the best moments in the blog's history.  Unless you are Scottish or attended a certain liberal arts college in Arkansas, you may not have known about Robert Burns Day Celebrations until you woke to hear Colby reading while intoxicated.  Nine inches, as always, proved to be quite popular.

"KEN YA MA OOR LASS, BESS?"

In honor of Robert Burns Day I thought I'd read a few selections from the "Merry Muses of Caledonia", a collection of erotic poetry published four years after the Scottish poet's death.  Burns is probably most well known for his New Year's Eve anthem "Auld Lang Syne".  I hope I'm not well known for butchering the following poems.  Its turns out its impossible to read a poem by Burns without faking a Scottish accent.  He wrote em that way.  If you don't understand a single word, you're not alone.  Desperate for some inspiration, the glass I'm holding in the video is meant to contain scotch (I'm so poor, however, I can't afford scotch so I improvised with cheap American whiskey).  


"NAE HAIR ON'T"


"NINE INCH WILL PLEASE A LADY"



From what meager understanding I could gather, a brief synopsis:

KEN YA MA OOR LASS, BESS?

Our boy Tam "breaks an egg" on Bess using his "three-footed stool"; the "white runs down her thigh".

NAE HAIR ON'T

A boy is sad about his girl's hairless kooch.

NINE INCH WILL PLEASE A LADY

Largely incoherent yet self-explanatory.

THERE CAM A SOGER

"There Came a Soldier". . . This was the only poem I could find that might potentially contain homoerotic content. "He set a stiff thing to my wame. . . I soupled baithed the ends o't"

All I could gather in the way of explanation was this unhelpful nugget from Pauline Mackay at the BBC: Burns sent 'There cam a soger' to Patrick Miller Jr of Dalswinton (1769 - 1845) on the 08 March 1795, stating that the verse is 'an old Scottish stanza'.  Patrick Miller Jr was a Captain in the army and a Member of Parliament for Dumfires from 1790 until 1796. A great deal of bawdy folk song is written about illicit sexual encounters with soldiers and their consequences.

You can read all of the poems above in their entirely as well as more from the "Merry Muses of Caledonia" HERE.

20 comments:

  1. Largely incoherent? No Way! That was nothing short of Amazing! I could na done it a whole Bottle of Single Malt in front of me and a crowd to back me up!

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  2. You could also read lines from Shrek in that voice. :)

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  3. omg, the hotness.. love to see you in a kilt.

    can you suggest shooting a highland scene to someone please?

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  4. Colby. First time I've posted here but been a long time fan...

    Have to say though that you're totally nuts!

    Paul, London

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  5. Colby very impressed by the accent!

    This is giving me flashbacks of being 10 years old and having to perform 'Tae a Haggis' on stage in front of all the parents. Holding a knife and haggis and all for dramatic effect. Schools make a big deal out of Burn's Night.

    Should have memorised one of these instead.

    Jason, London

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  6. That's a very impressive accent you got there, nice job.

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  7. Think your Scottish is very authentic sounding. These are fun, Colby. Wish you'd post more of this kind of stuff on the site.

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  8. You really, really need to get to DC to see "Black Watch" by the National Theatre of Scotland while it's here. If you haven't heard about it, see a preview here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPXXTFczsTI.
    One of the most noted theatrical productions of recent years. I have a class going at a special rate of $20 (regular rate $70-100) next Wednesday matinee and there are a couple of extra seats, so contact me if you're interested.

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  9. You are a glorious loon. And a bonnie lad.

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  10. Bernard! YES! I'd like to go. Can you email me details? bigshoediaries@gmail.com

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  11. OMG. I could barely listen I was too busy trying to figure out who the hot guy was. I honestly thought it was Logan McCree at first. Always thought you were pretty hot Colby, but with the facial hair and Scottish accent (fake or not) I was blown away. Please God, in your next scene please keep that look. ~JP~

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  12. You are just so adorable. And you sound like that janitor from The Simpsons

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  13. Absolutely hot, funny and brilliant all at the same time. Your accent sounds damn good to my non-Scottish ears.

    As for the Scotch -- that's a shame. When I was a kid I used to pretend I was drinking booze while cooking (like the Galloping Gourmet) by swigging apple cider from a shot glass (my folks kept them in the cupboard with the other cups).

    xo

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  14. This is why, this is why, this is why you're hot.
    Go head with yo bad self.

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  15. Excellent, these made my day! N' yer accens fine me laddo, aw the best fae Glasgow x

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  16. where and when will the hot madness stop!
    Porn titles for a kilt wearing CK:
    The Other Side of Eilean Donan Castle
    Haggis Hammocks 2
    Berty and his Spinning Hole

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  17. you were always sexy. but looking scruffy, sippin' whisky and reading poetry like a drunken Scot makes you hot

    good work mate :)

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