Wednesday, August 31, 2011

WARNING! FOAMING AT THE MOUTH PORN STARS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR FINANCIAL HEALTH


When you see foam at the edges of someone's mouth....RUN!!!  You can sort out the details later.

I've been in this business for a long time. I routinely hear back from directors, producers, cameramen and other actors about how easy I am to work with and how versatile I am socially...and sexually.  I'm shy, I'm wary of club appeareances where I don't have a task to keep me occupied and I keep to myself, but I'm always professional.

Someone asked me recently when my first scene with Sean Cody was, and I realized I've been doing porn for 10 years.  I've encountered a lot of amazing professionals and talented artists, pornographers and marketing geniuses.  From the beautiful, the hunky and the funny, to the vain, the roided and the shallow, I thought I'd handled it all. 

So, this morning, like so many other mornings in that special California sun (like no other place LA's light is movie magical), I gingerly approached a young porn producer who was literally foaming at the mouth.  In normal situations, I see mouth foam and I run.  I've seen enough Zombie/Rabies movies to know better, but this time, against my better judgement, I held my ground.

After all, I'd been in touch with Mr. Price(less - his adjective not mine) for a couple of months now.  He had (sort of) coordinated my plane ticket and was responsible for directing two scenes I was going to shoot with him this week.  I've worked with a lot of adorable weirdos.  How bad could this be?  And as I got closer, I realized he was actually brushing his teeth.  Why anyone meeting a future employee would wander out to greet me mid-brush is a little odd but well, it is porn after all.  So, yes, it's ok.  It's just toothpaste.

But, I should have screamed "RABIES!!!" and run.  There had been so many problems up to this point; Hurricane Irene being the least troublesome of them.  Mr. Price had scheduled me to come a couple days earlier (well it was actually someone he works with, but he was involved in the planning).  He had misinterpretted my messages and overbooked me for too many extra days in LA but I have good friends to crash with, so I dealt.  When Irene hit, my flight was cancelled.  He was mad at me and asked if I could fly out anyway (I should have told him to watch Devil Wears Prada).  He told me I should rebook.  I did, and called him immediately to confirm my new schedule.  He said great and that he would get me a hotel for the first night (which, after reminding him once my plane touched down, he grudgingly did).  And that's where the rub came: after the initial booking, everything started to happen begrudgingly, as though I were putting him out like an annoying relative staying too long after the last night of Xmas.  But I was the one being hired to do work for him...his project, his initiative, his plan.

I mean, there had been so many organizational guffaws at this point that I should have known.  Other models "cancelling" (in this economy? really?)  Times of scenes changing. And then the blame game came.  If anyone knows me, they know I'm commonly reffered to as a busy beaver by friends.  I'm good at being busy; I'm ALWAYS early and I work hard to get a lot of work done as fast as I can.  So, toothbrush in hand, Mr. Price and I started a shouting match in which he tried to blame me for his organizational ineptitude.  A crew member showed up and witnessed our shouting match (poor guy).  "You shouldn't have rebooked."  "Uhm, you told me to"
"I didn't know when you were coming."  "Uhm, I gave you my new info on the phone and you said you would book the hotel for that night"
"I didn't know if you were even coming today"  "Uhm, we've been texting all morning and I flew 3,500 miles in search of work.  When did I give off that impression?"
"The other model had to cancel."  "Oh, that's ok, I actually spent some time and found two other models in LA willing to work with us at the price you quoted me."

And then things went red.  He had messed up big time and backed into a corner like a rabid animal just started to attack, my character, my (dis-)honesty, my work ethic...I walked. You can be as annoying as you want, but you can't treat me disrespectfully in a professional setting (unless it's called for in the scene). ;) 

Anyway, I'm in LA, stuck without work 'til Friday.  If any Porn Directors or Art Buyers are in need, i can work with my hands til then. Oh and if anyone wants to get Mr. Price a present that he clearly needs if he's going to succeed in the future, I recommend the monthly view. 

15 comments:

  1. shoot, Colby, I'm a free-lancer too - lots of different bosses all around the country and beyond, and I understand the feeling of "Why the fuck did I come all this way" - but this gentleman's demeanor was QUITE unbecoming. I'm so sorry, as one free-lance performer to another, that you had to endure this. you of course can tell every soul about it (and even write about it on your wonderful blog) but the point is, you wasted your time, which is precious.

    my regrets, colby, and I hope that something good comes out of this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I didn't know if you were even coming today"
    Check his twitter...

    RileyPRICELESS Riley Price
    Directing Colby Keller tomorrow afternoon and than off to weho to resume video editing on 'Ulterior Motives'..
    22 hours ago

    Sorry about this whole mess. Something good will come out of all this!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Similar situations happen in every single industry and it's always insulting. Your porn longevity speaks for itself and this is a minor obstacle. You lost money, he lost reputation. Wonder who lost more? Take care man. I want to keep enjoying your work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Directing Colby Keller tomorrow afternoon and than off to weho to resume video editing"


    oh, dear. spelling, I know it's not that important, but Spelling, please.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That sucks, Colby (or doesn't, well, you know what I mean). I hope that things will go well for you. Maybe you just needed to be in LA, or out of your home, for something.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, I don't recall ever seeing a post like this from you. You must be PISSED.

    Either way, the guy sounds incompetent.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey Colby, have you gotten any response for PriceLESS?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Make sure to let us know the title of the new job you pick up, so we can buy it regardless of Price!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Team Colby for the win! We will crush Ms. Price.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear Mr. Keller: I am not sure if you remember me or not, but we worked together this past March here in the D.C. area. I thought you were one of the most precise models I've ever worked with. One of the most flexible (as you recall we had to switch you to top at the last minute). You were patient, pleasant, on time, dependable, HOT, there is no way I could come up with enough nice words about our experience. I remember thinking to myself that it was too bad we had to shoot the video because I would much rather spend the day at some restaurant having a political conversation.

    Hopefully your experience in my old home town of Los Angeles doesn't discourage you from shooting more porn. I'd love to work with you again in the near future.

    I think the world was out of whack the last week or so. After all, we were the ones with the earthquakes and the storms all within a few days. Usually the combo of quakes and storms would be a So. Cal event. Go figure.

    It's almost Friday - welcome back to D.C. You're a great guy and tell Karl I said hello. Jon

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh, sweetie... that sucks. I never stop being shocked at how people can blame others for their incompetence.

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh sugar. I just read this. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. You know me from Adam, but I woulda bought ya dinner. I mean, hell...you've given me enough orgasms to last a lifetime. :)

    but seriously, he's a douche. If I knew a director or art dealer, I'd send 'em your way.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is terrible. We're always hoping to see your latest, Colby. Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete