I SEE PENIS: ROOTS

Mom!  You're embarrassing me again!!!!

The Keller family tree only seems to have one thing on its mind.

PITCH! - PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE FEATURING KARL MARXXX TONIGHT IN NYC!!!

If you're in the NYC-area tonight, check out Big Shoe Diaries contributor, Karl Marxxx at Dixon Place. He'll be participating in a favorite NYC event of Colby's (though sadly Colby won't be at this one) called Pitch!

Pitch is a live storytelling event with a twist. Four fearless storytellers perform in front of an audience while simultaneously pitching their story to a publishing industry heavyweight! Our guest editor will share their input, and give a possible yes or no...live, on stage! The audience is encouraged to voice opinions! Will the performers have what it takes? Will you have have what it takes? This month, hosts Greg Walloch and Mark Allen host Playgirl Executive Editor Daniel Nardicio as he receives pitches from Gregory Nalbone, David Crabb, Nathan Phillips and BSD's own Karl Marxxx. It's sure to be a blast.

9:30 p.m. at Dixon Place (161 Chrystie Street - $7)

Karl Marxxx on the phone with Publishing Execs...

And the other presenters....

BOYS OF BUTT: EDUARDO

"Friend of Colby" Bobby paints a new boy from the Butt Magazine calendar every week.  This week's lucky fucker: Eduardo. 

I SEE PENIS: AFTERNOON T-STORM

PLEASE GOD LET IT RAIN! 

IN DIS CRETE

If there is one thing I lack its discretion.  In case you don't believe me, check out Falcon's latest release "Indiscretion".

 

LAID OFF LUCKY PIERRE

I've had the pleasure of playing Lucky Pierre once in my life, for Falcon's unemployment epic "Laid Off".  Given my current financial crisis, it seems prudent to reflect on the momentary joissance familiar to most mid-level managers and average working shmos everywhere, that indescribable feeling of getting dicked from the top at the same time you fuck over the person beneath you.  Fortunately enough in my line of work, any "subordinate" I come across normally enjoys the treatment. 

Favored BSD artist Jef Kolman did well to lighten this metaphorical load, transforming a still from Laid Off à la Eyes Wide Shut into something a bit more comical.  Work ethic is everything and Jef shared with me his new mantra, a quote from Tom of Finland he discovered at the Museum of Sex in NYC: "If I don't have an erection when I'm doing a drawing, I know it's no good."  True dat.  Goes for porn too. 

I SAT ON PENIS: 10 SPEED

NEVER-ENDING NOB-SUCKER

What could be better than a blow job that never ends?

Porn's very own perpetual motion machine Chris Porter practicing his skills on the set of Raging Stallion's Stud Fuckers.

In case you're prone to seizures or sea sickness, here are a few stills from Stud Fuckers, compliments of the generous photographers at Falcon. 

FYI: Can someone please help me with my sexy face!? I'm in desperate need of a bedroom-eyes coach.

COLBY DOPPELGÄNGER: BO BURNHAM

 

Imagine for a moment a perfect world: You're younger, smarter, talented and much more attractive.

Now imagine you are Colby one sad, self-deprecatory night, scrolling through Netflix, ameliorative whiskey in hand.  After a harrowing fifty-six minutes fighting back the waterworks while watching the PBS special "POV: A Family Undertaking", which explores the growing home funeral movement you decide cheap whiskey just isn't cutting it.  You need a real pick-me-up.  You break out the coke. . . and pour some in your glass.  That's when you discover Bo Burnham, 19 year old stand-up comic and Youtube sensation, who oddly enough looks like a much younger, smarter, talented and more attractive version of yourself.  Coupled with a pre-recession psychedelic hipster aesthetic, Bo may in fact represent the world that wasn't.  I would recommend his Comedy Central debut: "Words, Words, Words", if just for his precocious need to cover all his bases and offend everyone while still maintaining that loopy leftist pc pragmatism best befitting a Brown graduate.

A boy who can write Shakespeare inspired porn is a boy after my own genome.  If ever I've had a long lost brother, Bo Burnham is it. 

A sample from "Sonnet 155, If Shakespeare Had Written Porn":

I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
As I removed my source of Grecian power
As if King Midas dared to touch the skies
Upon thy body fell a golden shower

Thy body's temples, two church bells had rung
Upon thy chest, a row of pearls bestowed
The sun had set, thy set with wary hung
I thought, "How black a night and blue a lode"

I said, "What light through yonder beaver breaks?
It is the yeast"

And now my belly's yellow
My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes
But 'tis not massive, I am no Othello

And when that final moment came to pass
Like Christ I came-a riding on an ass

BACK IN THE SADDLE

Thanks to the generous support of viewers like you, I'm back. . . Now with regular access to wifi.  Food may be increasingly hard to come by (double fuck!  Its melon season!!), so don't let me talk you down from donating if the spirit moves you.  We all know I could afford to lose a few (loads that is).  Jacking off all day burns calories! 

Thanks to Ryan of San Francisco Public Nudity for the pic above of me on set and in the saddle, solar flares be damned. 

COLBY AS FOODIE: GERMAN HAND CHEESE

Anyone who knows me, knows I have trouble eating only one thing: horseradish.  Peppers are no problem.  I LOVE heat, but horseradish (including wasabi sadly) makes me gag.  After my recent stay at Ray Dragon's new upstate estate, I can safely add something new to my very meager "do not eat" list: German hand cheese.  A spongey, pale yellow, "handkäse" has an aroma redolent of dirty bandages.  The taste is even stronger.  Imagine a ball of rubber cement soaked in iodine then cured in your dad's sock drawer and you might come close to capturing the culinary magic of this sour milk cheese.  Ray, a bit of foodie himself, purchased the cheese after I discovered it at a local grocery store.  Perhaps not so surprisingly, Arpad loved it!  None of us could stomach a second bite.  Arpad gladly squirreled away what was left in his duffle bag to take back to the city.  Makes sense after-all: cheese comes with the territory (he is uncut).  A similar sour milk cheese (with an even more pronounced taste according to Arpad) claims special privilege as a Hungarian delicacy.

In case that story left you a little queasy, here are some pictures I captured on my cell phone of the beautiful waterfall which sits on Ray's incredible wooded lot in upstate New York:

 

SOLAR FLARES

Its fucking hot out there.  

If you've noticed a decrease in blog posts over the last week I can explain.  For several years I've depended on a crystal clear wifi connection compliments of my generous downstairs neighbor.  If you follow this blog with any regularity you know that we also share a cat.  The second Great Recession (Third Great Depression?) is starting to claim a fresh batch of victims.  My neighbor lost her job and axed the wifi to save costs.  Prepared to pay for my own wifi ($50 a month!?!WTF!) my reticent willingness to engage the legitimate economy hit another snag.  Even when you'd like capitalism to do its part and pitch in, it never seems up to the job (with no capital gains to my name, I guess I don't really matter).  The wave of recent federal and state budget cuts caught up with poor ole' Colby last week.  I can no longer claim to benefit from a part-time minimum wage job with no health insurance. . . so it looks like wifi (and BSD) will have to go on furlough.   In the off chance you aren't unemployed yourself, and would like to help, I've added a new donation button to the right.

I'll also accept donations of industrial grade fertilizer (by the truckload only please) or sharpshooter lessons (provided you know the location of the Speaker of the House or at least two conservative members of the Supreme Court).  

If you are in the Secret Service, thats a joke. . . kinda.  ;-)

I SEE PENIS: TWO ROLLS AND A LOAF

What do you like on your sandwich?

PRIMARILY COLBY

 

J'aime me faire enculer

BUTTS I'D LIKE TO MUNCH: RED, WHITE AND BLUE

Happy July 4th! 

SUNSHINE PROUD

If you missed NYC Pride last weekend (like I did), frequent BSD correspondent Victor Jeffreys II was on hand to capture the magic.  In case you need to brush up on your LGBTIQQ history, each color of the original rainbow flag corresponds to a different symbolic quantity.  While I do appreciate sunlight (what man in a speedo doesn't), its worth pointing out that two of the most important hues (especially for an pornstar/artist like me) got axed a year after the flags inception in 1979: sexuality and magic/art.  I guess we should probably consider replacing them with white for marriage and camo for military?  Taupe = ennui?