I SEE ORGY: THE HEALERS

I'm a big fan of sculptor David Altmejd.  A Blog reader in London recently saw his orgiastic masterpiece "The Healers" at the Saatchi Gallery and recommended I check it out.  Unfortunately, I don't have the spare change for a quick skip across the pond, but I do have electricity and an internet connection.  Thank you donors! 

ANALS OF BIG SHOE DIARIES: HAIL STORM!!!

In anticipation of the second anniversary of Big Shoe Diaries, we're reposting some of our favorite moments from BSD history.  Christmas in September???  Well, yes, it's time to start planning for those holidaze and some of us are already celebrating the start of new years!!!  And we all know how much Colby loves baked goods.

What says "Christmas" more than an unruly mob?  Or getting pelted by God with ice?

HAHA.  No.  Its just me making my favorite holiday cookie, Jan Hagel!

Also known as Hollanders, Janhagals, Dutch Almond cookies, or Sugar Hail cookies. . .  Jan Hagel or "Johnny Hail" has the connotation of "rabble" or "unruly mob" in Dutch.  Rock sugar is often used in traditional recipes, resembling hail.

My grandma always uses walnuts, but its often made with almonds.  If you'd like your own batch, try the Keller family recipe.  Its as easy as it gets.  I guarantee a good time. 


MIX TOGETHER:

1 Cup butter
1 Cup sugar
1 egg yolk (Save the white for the top)
2 Cups flour
1 T. Cinnamon

Mix ingredients together in a large bowl.  Pat down firmly into a 9X15 baking pan.  Beat the egg white (add 1 T. water if necessary).  Brush on top.  Cover with 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (or any nut of your choosing).  Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes.  Cut into small rectangles immediately after baking.  There is a pretty high butter to flour ratio so they may appear undone when you take them out of the oven.  Let them firm and cool before removing them from the pan.  Enjoy!

Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!

BUTT ON A WIRE

Its all fun and games until someone pops a boner. . .

SHANA TOVA

No, Shana Tova is not the name of my favorite pop diva (or the drag equivalent thereof), "shana tova" is the traditional greeting on Rosh HaShana, the Jewish new year, abbreviated from l'shana tova tikatevu, "may you be inscribed (in the book of life) for a good year".  Inscribed, inspired and inseminated!  

Eh hem, with protection of course.  Have a happy, safe New Year boys and goys. 

KOKI-"COLBY"-GAMI: PRINCE ALBERT

Who knew Prince Albert was such a big Colby Keller fan?

Thanks to BSD reader Greg for sharing his generosity with fellow readers. . .  

I SEE PENIS: FAIL

I hesitate to see the failure?  That many erect cocks in one place looks like success!

I SEE ANUS: HOUSE OF HOLES

From a list of words found in the new novel by Nicholson Baker, "House of Holes", compiled for the August 2011 issue of Harpers Magazine.

asswood                                                   ball-hankie                                               beardwater
bonky                                                       boobosity                                                 boycone
brimmingness                                          britneys                                                    cockbrisket
cockitude                                                 crotchal                                                    cuntatious
dickybird                                                 doodle-goo                                               eggmate
floof                                                         flump                                                        fuckalope
groanroom                                               hip-jouncing                                             jizzler
joywave                                                   judder                                                       juicy-lucy
loinstem                                                   lovecream                                                manslurp
maximus cheeks                                      murfle; murflement                                  peeny wanger
pelvisy                                                     pornfume                                                  purseness
scrotatiousness                                        shudderation                                             spicetime
splatterment                                            thrummiest                                                thumper bean
thundertube                                             urgie-splurgey                                           weeperhole


From the Amazon.com description of "House of Holes":

Shandee finds a friendly arm at a granite quarry. Ned drops down a hole in a golf course. Luna meets a man made of light bulbs at a tanning parlor. So begins Nicholson Baker’s fuse-blowing, sex-positive escapade, House of Holes.  Baker, the bestselling author of The Mezzanine, Vox, and The Fermata, who “writes like no one else in America” (Newsweek), returns to erotic territory with a gleefully over-the-top novel set in a pleasure resort, where normal rules don’t apply. Visitors, pulled in via their drinking straws or the dryers in laundromats, can undergo crotchal transfers . . . make love to trees . . . visit the Groanrooms and the twelve-screen Porndecahedron . . . or pussy-surf the White Lake. It’s very expensive, of course, but there are work-study programs. In charge of day-to-day operations is Lila, a former hospital administrator whose breast milk has unusual regenerative properties.

Brimful of good-nature, wit, and surreal sexual vocabulary, House of Holes is a modern-day Hieronymous Boschian bacchanal that is sure to surprise, amuse, and arouse.

ART TOURIST

"Lesbian German Artist" Stefanie Gutheil 

With over 300 art galleries in Chelsea, more than any other place on earth, it helps to have someone do the hard work of choosing what to see and what to avoid.  When I recently came across a listing for a "gay" gallery tour (promising erotic offerings), my curiosity (and laziness) took the better of me.  If you don't know much about contemporary art (like much of Chelsea's native population one would assume), the tour is a great introduction.  Surprisingly enough, several Blog readers decided to join me on the tour.  Their accompaniment (to the very end each and every one!) was greatly appreciated.   

Unfortunately, I found much of the tour a tad too pedantic for my taste, but then again a "gay" gallery tour isn't really designed to accommodate a handful of MFA grads.  Like any good former anthropology student, I took the opportunity to study what exactly a "gay" understanding of contemporary art might entail.  Much of the discussion on the tour was designed to peak our inner gay status-ometers (how much each particular object priced out, which galleries were the most renown internationally, which artists were the most "famous", etc, etc), but hey, every queen needs a crown right?  

Below are a few highlights from the tour, courtesy of "Friend of Colby" and fellow blogger Penis Ennui, who thought well-enough ahead to bring his camera.  

 South Korean artist Do Ho Suh, by far the best on the tour

More from Do Ho Suh

Nick Cave, another Colby favorite

More Nick Cave

Part of a larger installation by artist Robert Melee

More from artist Robert Melee

Marble stairs by Robert Melee

I SEE TESTICLES: PAUL HENRY RAMIREZ

Paul Henry Ramirez's anthropomorphic 60s inspired mod art paintings (like Tom Wesselmann guest starring on Laugh-In) aren't quite my bag but who can resist a canvas full of tits and ass and . . . testicles?  I'll give props to anyone with the tape, time and chutzpah to stylize the mons pubis and throw it on a gallery wall any day.  

Pubic hair or flatulence? 

Thanks to "Friend of Colby" and fellow blogger Penis Ennui for joining me on my NYC "gay" gallery tour and thinking well enough ahead to bring his camera.  

ANALS OF BIG SHOE DIARIES: HISTORY OF PORN: DIRTY HOROLOGISTS

In anticipation of the 2nd Anniversary of Big Shoe Diaries, we're reposting some of our favorite blog posts from the annals of BSD.  Porn present came from porn past and with History of Porn, we've explored some great pre-digital porn moments.

At this point in time, most of the readers have figured out that in addition to doing porn, I'm also somewhat of a nerd. So bringing nerd and porn together once again, I thought I'd start a series of posts about the History of Porn. This will be mostly about fun images and laughing about those crazy people that came before us, but I'm definitely looking for ideas/input for this series so please, as always, send comments, thoughts, ideas and images to bigshoediaries@gmail.com

My first exploration happened rather randomly. I was reading about Automatons because of a children's book I'd read recently, featuring an automaton, that's being turned into Martin Scorcese's first 3-D film. So I immediately got curious to know if there were erotic automatons. And so I started searching and found out from the Watchismo Times (amazing name) that dirty-minded horologists have been making hardcore erotic automatons embedded in pocket watches for centuries. My favorite of the examples given was this stunning piece made by one of the most famous Parisian watch makers, Abraham Louis Breguet, for King Louis XVI and Queen Marie Antoinette. But now I'm curious to know if it was King Louis or Marie Antoinette who was so keen to keep time in Versailles....

UTAH UNDIE RUN

This weekend, thousands stripped down to their skivvies in Salt Lake City to protest the conservative political culture of the State of Utah.  Say what you will about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Mormons sure do produce some sexy boys and girls. . .

ANALS OF BIG SHOE DIARIES: COLBY FOREVER: A J.BONE TATTOO

In anticipation of the second anniversary of Big Shoe Diaries, we're plowing through the annals of the blog and re-posting some of our favorite moments.   Remember the waterpark?  Remember the clam?  Remember Boticelli? Remember J. Bone's rendition?  Fan-boy Grant remembers and shares his memory with the first (that we know of) ever Colby tattoo. 

Colby Forever? Well, a great guy and fan, Grant decided to get a Colby tattoo featuring the work of J. Bone. He sent some awesome pics and has a great write-up about the experience on his uber cool blog! Not to suggest that he's the masturbating type, but I think he'll be cumming all over me a lot...and that makes me happy. ;) It looks really cool, Grant! Way to go!!!
"Finally, Thursday saw me walking with great trepidation to that Tattoo Parlour to get number five. The artwork, a portrait of porn star Colby Keller as Botticelli's Venus by artist J. Bone, was selected after I emailed both the artist and the model to ask permission to have it permanently etched on my forearm. Both guys were kind enough to give their blessing, and so two hours after walking into the studio, I have a brand new tattoo I am absolutely in love with. I've been attempting to come up with a "reason" to supply people with when I'm asked the inevitable "Why did you get that permanently drilled into your flesh?" - but I don't really have anything satisfactory. I mean, I think Colby is remarkably beautiful and he seems to be a really sweet guy on his Blog, and I've been a huge fan of J's work for a while now: but ultimately I got it done because I love the image itself."

UNDER HERE? UNDER EVERY WARE

A picture of future Colby above, tight new body complimented by one of 4! new pairs of American Apparel briefs courtesy of recent underwear auction winner Manny.  Surprisingly enough, Manny can't claim special privilege as the only bidder (there were two!).  I look so good in my new skivvies, I somehow managed to get a girl pregnant just by looking at her. . .  But with four new pairs there is plenty enough to go around for everyone. . . Thanks Manny!!!!!  Wanna be a godfather?

I SEE TESTES: SISTER WIVES

Imagine having two ball and chains.  Colby couples season 3 of Sister Wives with his new East German workout routine.  

ANALS OF BIG SHOE DIARIES: ROLLERBLADING IS HARD

In anticipation of the 2nd anniversary of Big Shoe Diaries, we're scouring the annals of the site for our favorite posts and re-presenting them to you.  This is still one of my favorite jokes of all time and now, thanks for a very generous fellow big foot Justin, is relevant.  Justin sent me home on my last LA trip with some rollerblades of my own (videos forthcoming).

I have always loved this joke.

Q: What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

R: I don't know what.

Q: Telling your parents you're gay.

I don't know why but it still makes me laugh. Fortunately, this dude is beating the joke to death and I can't stop laughing!!!

RAM-BEAU

The Department of Defense releases a new uniform for openly gay service members. . .

STARRING COLBY KELLER AS JOHN STAMOS PLAYING STALIN

In case you just can't get enough of me, check out the recent interview I did with nightcharm.com. To keep things interesting, I tried to mention communism in every answer.  :-)  I gave them such good shit, they had to break it down into sections.  Stay tuned for part 2. . .

FLICK U: TAXI ZUM KLO

If you, like Colby, feel like the last fag on the block who hasn't made a pilgrimage to the holy shrine of kink Berlin, then you'll enjoy "Taxi Zum Klo" (Taxi to the Toilet), an explicit romp through pre-AIDs West Germany. Expect to see full frontal nudity with full-on erections, and enough humping and sucking to place the film just shy of porn.  "Taxi Zum Klo" tells the semi-autobiographical story of writer, director and star Frank Ripploh.  Frank teaches diction to 5th graders during the day and sucks dick at the public toilets at night.  For those of us that missed the condom-less free-for-all of the 70s (and can't afford a trip across the mighty Atlantic), this classic gay  film makes a great substitute.

COLBY DOPPELGÄNGER: A REAL MODEL

Porn is a peculiar category of labor.  Do the workers that define porn's visual field constitute "models" or "performers", or both?   Given my general "Raggedy Andy" appearance, I've always assumed more the "performance/actor" angle.  If you've ever imagined what a bona fide "Colby as Model" might look like (though I can't imagine why), fashion model Billy Kiraly justifies a comparison.  An unmistakeable point of departure ends with the obvious: in porn, Billy Kiraly would be on box covers, a legitimate "Porn Star".  Its like looking into an alternative reality (one where I'm better looking and no doubt make more money).  Creepy.

Thanks to Blog reader Jay for tearing into the space-time continuum and the good people at fantasticsmag (and photographer David Vance) for making dreams come true.