It all makes sense now.
I can claim the true identity of my switched-at-birth-father: Hugh Hefner!!!
Through a rigorous process of genetic triangulation, the ingenious gumshoes at Alright Darling were able to match my phenotype with Cooper and Marston Hefner, sons of Hugh, the infamous founder of Playboy Magazine, and his recently divorced wife Kimberley Conrad Hefner.
Does this mean I get access to the grotto daddy?