Friday, May 4, 2012

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STRIP?: KARL MARXXX'S TOP TEN LIST FOR WANNABE PRIVATE DANCERS

Ipad Painting by Mark Leydorf
At a former massage parlor on the Lower East Side last night, I (Karl Marxxx) joined Mark Leydorf, Josh Riley and Mike Albo for a night of story-telling by those who have been "touched by" the sex industry, telling tall tails of first experiences.  Curated by Riley, "Like A Virgin" was part of a series of sex industry storytelling by an amazing organization called The Red Umbrella Project.  

Since only about 50 people were able to squeeze into the comfortable, but tiny Happy Endings Lounge, you probably missed me retelling of Colby's famous "Kazoo Kum Khorus Torture" story.  But to ease your pain, I'm posting another piece I read, Karl Marxxx's Top Ten Tips for Aspiring Stripper/Go-Go Dancers to Get Dim Coins. Thanks to Mark Leydorf for "live painting" me on his iPad at the event last night.  Check out his work - he's pretty swell. ;)

Painting of Karl Marxxx by Mark Leydorf

Karl Marxxx's Top Ten Tips for Gettin’ Dim Coins:

1. Be flexible, both in speech and in body.  It’s important not to be judgmental and to be able to talk about wide range of topics.  And be able to squat down low without tipping over or farting.

2. Find your niche.  Are you a college boy saving money for books, a lost straight boy who needs saving, a lost straight boy that can’t be saved, are you an ambitious and cute and eventually professionally successful once you get offered a good job boy, a saving money to move to NYC boy, an "it's my birthday!!" boy, or a
nasty "I fucked so much pussy last night my penis still smells like it" boy.  Regardless, people want you to fit into one of these categories.  They get stressed out and won’t tip you if you aren’t.

3. Learn the two bored stripper dances and switch back and forth between them when the club is busy or you aren’t being tipped (You had to be there to see the demonstration).

4. Have a secret Facebook profile/Twitter feed so your biggest tippers/fans can find out when you are dancing next.  Basic social media. Way back when, people showed up at gay strip clubs to see their favorite strippers because they were horny and there was nothing better to do.  Now, people search facebook to see what their favorite strippers are up to because they are horny and have nothing better to do.

5. Learn how to take this compliment: You’re so hot.  No, seriously, you are hottest guy here.  No, for real, I mean seriously, you’re so much hotter than everyone here.  The first time I heard this, I vainly thought it might be true…and then I overheard the guest say it to another dancer, and then another.  It turns out this is a type of patron that wants you to like them and they want you to pay attention to them while distracting you from the fact that they haven’t tipped anyone all night.
 
6. Forget how to speak English, or whatever the dominant language is.  Allowing people to project their desires and fantasies about your cock size, sexual habits and whether or not you might be willing to go home with them is a lot easier if you don’t speak English and say yes, a lot.  Language barriers allow for maximum projection of desire. Margaret Cho once said the best thing about looking Asian is that if you get hit on and you don’t want to talk to someone, you cover your mouth and say “oh no I don't know” and giggle – but the best way to make money is to be nearly naked and say “I don’t know” in a manly voice and a really thick accent and point at the twenty dollar bills already in your socks.

7. Have a gimmick.  Be hung, or British, be a really good dancer, or have really stinky armpits….anything that catches people’s attention.

8. Don’t get MRSA.  Inevitably, you’ll need to get down on your hands and knees to show off your assets.  Use your clothing, stockings, harnesses, socks up past your knees, knee guards, whatever… anything you can to protect you from the disgusting red carpet pedestals on which you’ll be dancing.  They haven’t been cleaned in years.  And this is an important one because no one tips people with staph infections.

9.Get along with your fellow dancers.  Make friends with the good guys and avoid the crazies.   Your friends will watch your back in what can be a dicey industry at times and the farther away from the crazies the better, cause every so often (as in once a week in a club with 20 or more strippers), someone pops and you don’t want to get in the way of a 200 pound muscle dude with ‘roid rage whose boyfriend of two weeks Carlos just broke up with because of his cocaine problem.  No, you definitely want to avoid that.

10. Be yourself and have fun.  Sex is pretty awesome and people from all walks of life come to see men get naked.  With the hotness power dynamic alleviated by the transfer of singles into your stockings, you’ll meet and converse with people who arent’ just like you and you’ll find that sometimes (not always) they are fun to talk to.  Who knows?  You may meet your next boyfriend, your next boss, or your next best friend.  And if not, you can go console Mr. Roid Rage about his break up with Carlos and ask if he’d like to do a line with you in the bathroom.

2 comments:

  1. This is a hoot!

    BTW you ARE hot and I would totally tip you. :P

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  2. Another great tip--Never borrow another dancer's penis pump to fluff up without asking his permission. Talk about awkward when caught, especially the big sticky sucking sound you hear as you quickly attempt to pull the damn thing off under the other dancer's "What-The-Fuck!!?" glare from the dressing room door. Advice from Pattywack, a former dancer in the know. shaggywack2000@yahoo.com.

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