Monday, December 10, 2012


While "inner" Colby has harbored his fair share of seamen (set safely a sail on rubber dinghies of course), there may be no greater preponderance of phallic prowess marking mankind's symbolic sea charts than our immodest attempts to conquer the vast open ocean-- the unfathomable depths and watery abyss a nice concordance to the mysteries of sexual congress.  If anything, at nearly 90% water, we each carry the ocean with us, a legacy of our hydrophillic ancestors, one ancient forgotten Atlantean grandma nesting unnoticed inside another, a nearly unending chain of fucks leading to each and every one of us.

Once a year, the city of Baltimore hosts "Dollar Days".  All of the city's Inner Harbor attractions and museums, including the National Aquarium (normally $25 a pop) charge only a dollar.  This year I decided to finally tour the "Ships of the Inner Harbor", a collection of 4 historic ships docked around the Aquarium: The USS Constellation, first built in 1797 by Baltimore shipbuilders as a merchant vessel (later recommissioned by the US Navy, the USS Constellation defeated pirates, captured slave ships and defended the Union until its ultimate decommission in 1955); the LV116 Chesapeake, one of the first ships to operate under the US Lighthouse Service; the USS Torsk, a submarine with a record of over 10,000 dives, responsible for torpedoing the very last Japanese ship of WWII; and the USCGC Taney, "The Last Survivor of Pearl Harbor", an active participant in the horrendous Battle of Okinawa, where entrenched Japanese fighters launched nearly 2,000 kamikaze suicide missions, and over 100,000 Japanese soldiers fought to the death to defend the island rather than surrender to US forces, resulting in the worse causalities of the entire Pacific Theatre.

With forward facing mast poles, giant cannons, gun turrets, and torpedoes poking out of every ship, it was hard not to get a little aroused thinking of all the symbolic energy coaxed into each and every vessel. . . and that was before I even got to the bunk beds!  With seamen stacked one on top of another on top of another in every ship in the harbor, it's easy to see where the Navy gets its Village People reputation.  Here are just a few of the "I SEE PENIS" highlights I spied on board:

Forward facing mast, USS Constellation

Poles a' plenty, USS Constellation

Cannon, USS Constellation

The inspiration for Duff Beer?  USS Constellation 

Shit and a shower, USS Constellation

Molasses ballast, four flights down, USS Constellation 

Man-hammock alley, USS Constellation 

Is a beam of lights a phallus?  LV116 Chesapeake

Also known as Cusk (or Cod), the Torsk is a small edible fish, or a Swedish slang term for a man who visits prostitutes, i.e. a "john", USS Torsk 

Rear torpedoes, USS Torsk

Double loaded rear gun, USS Torsk 

"Run Susan Stop & Start", USS Torsk

Submarine bunks, 5 dudes deep, USS Torsk

Officer's threeway, USS Torsk

"The Last Survivor of Pearl Harbor" USCGC Taney

At least they're not blue, "navigation balls?", USCGC Taney

The bunk room, four times the size pictured, USCGC Taney

Alas, there are blue bullets, USCGC Taney

Ships armory.  Check out that gun!  USCGC Taney

No, not your grandpa's camper, but the forward facing gun turret (responsible for downing at least four kamikaze pilots during the Battle of Okinawa), USCGC Taney

Barrel of the gun, USCGC Taney

More nobs than I even know what to do with, USCGC Taney

Tie me up, tie me down? USCGC Taney

 Defending Barnes&Noble from the hordes of Baltimore, USCGC Taney 

1 comment:

  1. I had a similar reaction to Cody when I toured the Constitution in Boston. There's a book, it's about 20 years old or so now, which argues that the pirate life was a homoerotic subculture in the early modern era. I don't recall the name. You can see why when you tour those boats. There's simply no way you house all those men like that for long periods of time without a lot of play going on. And then there's the Royal Navy saying, Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash....