I'm feelin' a lil extra friendly this afternoon, so I put together a few tunes to celebrate our largest muscle, the gluteus maximus.
I realize many of you may find some of the songs, well . . . a stretch.
But every good butt needs a stretch now and again right?
To celebrate the Age of Legal Consent in the United States, I've provided a track for each and every eager year of maturity this particular legal milestone represents. I, for one, just couldn't wait to vote!
If you listen ALLLLL THE WAAAAAY to the very end, I'll even give you a extra present: One firm, but lovingly placed, kiss right on your backend from me! (telepathically of course)
Unfortunately, you won't find Sir Mix-A-Lot's classic "Baby Got Back (I Like Big Butts)" cause we've all heard that one a million times and I couldn't find a fun-enough cover. One in Malagasy maybe? Help a big-butt-lovin' brother out.
Cook that sack of flour every hour: Keep My Skillet Good and Greasy, Those Darlins.
Bite the Thong . . . before the thong bites back, JJ Doom. Pull your pants down and join the crack epidemic.
"Please put my glan(s) in your hand." Says it all I think: Fuckin' in the Butt, David Allan Coe.
Dirty Sneaker and Underwear, Emily Wells.
Backseat Becomes a Zone While We Glide, Jam City.
To my big bootied Balmer boys! (And all the best junk-in-the-trunk your hood has on tap too). Drop it like its hot (just don't shoot). Shake Fa Ya Hood, Ricky B.
I've met more than a few "giant balls of rock" that did some serious damage to my you-know-what (careful with those steroids boys!). That said, I'll still howl at firm, full moon if the moment strikes. The Moon is There, I Am Here, from The Blow.
Young Man Who Wouldn't Raise Corn, Jean Ritchie. Maybe he's just workin' with the wrong kinda hoe??? Fuck muffins! Give the boy some gluten. . . gluteus maximus! Buns. An allegory of laziness? Or deviant sexuality? Both? You be the judge.
Holy Roller, Thao And The Get Down Stay Down. Cuz, "I've been looking for the end of want. I don't want it but I need it" . . . BUT . . . "I want love in the aftermath." Holy Rollers have the best butts. but?
The story of my life. Body and mind? MINUS Body + MINUS Mind. Without A Body or A Numb and Useless Mind, Larkin Grimm. But what about the butt?
A big butt does leave a big shadow (even if you can't see it behind you). Me and My Shadow, Peggy Lee.
Hold My Hips. . . They're close to my butt. Dengue Fever.
Mandatory Public Service Announcement: Who ever says one butt is enough? Beware of whores. Next (Au Suivant), from "Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris".
Nothin' gets my booty poppin' like a well worked tom-tom. Seriously. A pow-wow palette cleanser and a reminder to thank your mom and dad for all your best ass-ets. Cute and Cuddly, Arianne, Matt Jr. and Maximus Sheka.
Let me hear those "Honey Horns" boys! Even if you don't have a juicy booty, you still gotta love yourself. I Like It That Way, Sweet Honey in the Rock (Yes, that's right. SHitR. Just in case anyone confuses me for "cool").
Whether you're a citizen of Fist City or a resident of Tighty Town, remember, kegels are for everyone. Fist City. . . Loretta Lynn.
What happens when a dirty pig meets a big butt? The Hog Story, Jerry Jordan.