It's been a while since TV offered me anything more predictable than a nagging sense of moral superiority (thanks Real Housewives!). Today, for the first time in a long time, I can claim a crush (more specifically a butt-crush) on Billy from episode 6 of Discover Channel's wackiest new reality show "Naked and Afraid". I don't actually subscribe to cable and Discovered the show this past July in my motel room while filming in LA. Imagine how happy (and dumbfounded) I was, curled under my cheap polyester comforter, to Discover an entire nudity-themed survivor show marathon (yes, there is more than one show on the network devoted to the concept).
If you're unfamiliar with the show's premise, it goes something like this: one man and one woman (Adam and Eve surrogates??) are dropped off in an utterly remote, harsh environment, given only one survival "tool" of their choice each, told to strip and then compelled to complete 21 days of near-death nudity. In a move ripe for future lawsuits-- and fun for viewers-- producers instruct the camera crew to intervene only in cases of absolute medical necessity.
Episode 6 stars by far the hottest couple, Billy and Ky, in probably one of the worst environments featured: a balmy Louisiana swamp full of active alligators. The couple arrives during a cold snap. The temperature rarely rises above the mid 50s. After a brief flash flood, their makeshift camp on a tiny nightmare of dry ground, swarming with poisonous water moccasins, completely floods-- leaving them partially submerged in a foot of water for nearly 4 days. Before they finally decide to leave and scout out higher ground, both nearly succumb to trench foot. And yet. . . I still had a boner. Not only does the male protagonist Billy have a killer ass, he maintains a mighty large blur zone (despite the frigid temps). Why have a show devoted to nudity if you blur out the best bits in post-production anyways? Is there an un-edited version you keep hidden some place Discovery Channel?
By a long slide, Billy tops the roided-out LA gym bunny from episode 3 that first introduced me to the series. 30 minutes of equatorial sun on the pristine beaches of the Maldives cooked "the man" Jonathan so badly he spent more than half the entire episode immobilized under a palm tree while his female partner did EVERYTHING. Just like a man, right? He made sure to criticize her every move in the process, if the typecasting wasn't clear enough. Billy on the other hand, is "The Man" man. Did I mention he's also a proficient snake hunter? Swoon.
I've got a killer cobra you can eat Billy, but first you gotta strip. ;-)