Saturday, October 5, 2013
EDGAR ALLEN BRO
Fellow Balti-moron Brandon Am-"bro"-sino serves a cold cup of coffee. Read his "Open Letter to A Straight Man" on McSweeney's Internet Tendancy HERE.
A sampling of his sage advise:
". . . In an effort to help us both out, here are a couple things to keep in mind next time I ask to join me for a macchiato.
1. Give me the benefit of the doubt. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I want to date and/or bed you. Don’t assume that coffee really means pancakes.
2. Ask yourself if clarification is really necessary. Like, if you were married, and I was a woman, and I just asked you to grab some coffee, would you feel the need to remind me of your marital status? If so, then fine, give me the talk. But if you don’t perceive actual romantic interest, then let’s forego that awkwardness.
3. Speaking of perception, why exactly do you think I am or would ever be interested in you? Am I being particularly flirty? Handsy? Am I letting my eyes wander listlessly down your body? Or is it the whimsical sundress I’m wearing? If the only romantic thing I’m doing is “being gay,” then hold off on the assumptions. Even if the sundress I’m wearing just so happens to be whimsical. I have several.
3a. Just kidding. Sundresses are over.
4. Look at me as a person, not as a gay. If the gay thing weren’t an issue, would you want to grab coffee with me? Then let’s grab coffee. If the gay thing is an issue, then skip the “Dude, I’m flattered, but…” and go straight to “Dude, I’m a bigot!”
5. Not everything is about sex, bro.
6. Not everything is about sex, bro.
7. Respect yourself, and me. Have a little decency. A little courtesy. Being gay isn’t always easy. My intentions are often misunderstood. Please get to know my mind before you try and read it. You’ll probably be surprised to learn that I don’t think about your penis as often as you think I do. (Or, for that matter, as often as you yourself think about it.)
There are a few more rules, but most of them can be summed up in the following shorthand: Act like a human being."
READ THE FULL LETTER HERE.