Sunday, March 31, 2013

SACRALICIOUS

He is risen!  Out of bed and straight to Pittsburgh's Meat and Potatoes to sample the Bloody Mary bar.  From womb to tomb (and back again) it all started with a bloody Mary right?  Immaculate shmaculate, have you ever watched a woman give birth!??

Happy Easter mortals!

BED HEAD, RED HEAD? BACK FROM THE DEAD



After a recent post revealed to the world my best bed-head bouffant, BSD reader Jorge memorialized the moment in this colorful portrait.  



O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
      Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,
Our gloom-pleas'd eyes, embower'd from the light,
      Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close
      In midst of this thine hymn my willing eyes,
Or wait the "Amen," ere thy poppy throws
      Around my bed its lulling charities.
Then save me, or the passed day will shine
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes,—
      Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole;
      Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.

"To Sleep" by John Keats

O Sleep!  The greatest stylist of them all






Saturday, March 30, 2013

MARTHA STEWART DOES EASTER

I had an encounter with Martha Stewart this year that reminded me of why she inspired me as a child. I was taking care of a dog in the West Village when she and her entourage walked by. Her toddler granddaughter approached me and the pooch. She pointed her tiny index finger at the dog and gurgled something unintelligible. Still too young for words, she looked back at Grandma Stewart for help. Most grandparents would probably have said something along the lines of "puppy, pretty doggy, soft" or even baby talk. Martha though, in her steady New Englander accent cooed, "beige. . . Beige. . . Beige. . . That dog is beige."

Growing up amongst close-minded football/basketball/baseball jocks the gay sex industrial complex now parodies and idolizes, I was tormented by the vicious beautiful objects of my desire daily for caring about school and art and just generally being curious. The interaction with Martha reminded of how inspiring she has been to me(and still is). She is not simply content in existing without effort, but in seeing, defining and changing the world in front of her into something beautifully simple. . . beauty is to be recognized, enjoyed, and more importantly, to be shared. That moral, and being confidently able to identify the color "beige" gave me strength in some dark adolescent times.

So in the spirit of rebirth and persevering this Easter, I revived a trick I learned from marthastewart.com last spring that involves three of my favorite things: thrift stores, patterned silk ties and hard boiled eggs.

Get some 100% silk ties from your local thrift or overflowing closet (the zanier the better). Cut them in strips and wrap them around a raw egg to fully cover the egg. Use twine to secure the wrapped silk to the egg. Cut similar sized strips of cotton tee shirt (white) to wrap around the silk wrapping. Secure with twine. Place wrapped eggs in a pan and cover with water. Add a few tablespoons of white vinegar. Place on stovetop and bring to a boil. Boil for 10 minutes, reduce heat and simmer for another 20 minutes or so. Remove from heat and let cool. Unwrap your eggs and display the awesome patterns at your Easter Brunch. And then have your guests eat them!

Thanks, Martha for everything!















GUTAI, BAD FACE


If you think it's easy to take a naked self-portrait using your laptop's built-in camera. . . while maintaining a boner in one hand and holding a heavy art book in the other, here's some handy evidence to prove otherwise:


A very very special thank you to BSD reader Brian who purchased the catalog Gutai: Splendid Playground, currently on view at the Guggenheim until May 8th.  Without doubt, A Splendid Playground was one of the best shows I've seen all winter.  If you're unfamiliar with Gutai (like I was before seeing the show) let me explain: Gutai was an art collective from 1954 to 1972 based in Japan.  Known for their interactive, time-based work, Gutai influenced American heavy hitters like Jackson Pollock with a playful body of work that embraced humble materials and often incorporated human bodies (and body parts) as a potential medium.

An especially BIG "Big Shoe shout-out" to artist Shiraga Kuzuo, best known for large scale, two-dimensional work that Shiraga painted with his feet.  I might just have to borrow the idea and start my own series of boner paintings!




To hear the Samsung Chief Curator of Asian Art at the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum Alexandra Munroe explain more about Gutai, consult this helpful introductory video.  If you'd rather just watch in amusement as I struggle to snap another picture of my boner, consult my Amazon Wish List.  

Friday, March 29, 2013

BACON LOVE & TRICHINOSIS




Bacon for breakfast, bacon on cupcakes, bacon on ice cream and now?  Bacon in Bed!

Granted, the BLT was my favorite sandwich growing up, but I prefer getting "porked" with good ole' fashioned kosher condoms.  If you'd prefer the tangy sizzle of fried pig flesh on your penis consider J&D's bacon flavored condoms, 3 to a box for only $9.99.  Paired nicely with a bottle of J&D's finest baconlube "your meat will taste (and look) like meat".    





COLBY'S RIDE: BIG SHOE



And you didn't believe me when I told you I wear big shoes!  

Sometimes I even need a step ladder to climb in.  




Thursday, March 28, 2013

I SEE PENIS: PARTY CHAT



Last Tuesday, fellow performer Dale Cooper and I entertained Randy Blue fans live straight from the comfy confines of my living room/bedroom/dining room.  For the first time we got to experiment with Randy Blue's new "Party Chat" function.  Within a certain pre-determined time frame, users have the ability to collectively pay for a private show.  Each prospective donation fills the "Party Chat Cock" with juice.  Every paying participant gets to experience the same show no matter how much they donate, but only if the entire cock fills before the clock runs out.  Sounds fun right?  I certainly enjoyed myself.

If you'd like to give it a shot (and potentially watch me shoot), Dale and I will be back on tonight: 11PM Eastern Standard Time, 8 PM Pacific.  Fill my cock; I'll fill yours.  :-)

Cum join the party at Randy Blue Live.

GUY withOUT GLASSES: COLBY KELLER



ALL POINTS BULLETIN: If you run across a pair of over-sized brown aviators somewhere in the New York City metropolitan area they're mine!  Sadly, I lost my only pair of prescription glasses.   After a wild weekend in Manhattan I somehow managed to misplace my favorite frames.

While a Kickstart campaign for Lasik surgery sounds enticing, it's hardly sensible.  I'm a second-hand kinda man.  I beseech any and all helpful readers who might own a spare pair to help a brother out.  If you own a set of old frames I'd look good in (or a wild pair you want to humiliate me with) send them my way!  I'll return the favor with a candid nude photo in frames of your choosing.

For all those especially well-connected, here's my prescription:

OD: Sphere: -1.25, Cylinder: -.75, Axis: 110

OS:  Sphere: -1.00, Cylinder: -1.25, Axis: 070




Send your orphaned eyewear to:

Blind Colby Keller
1211 Lovegrove Alley
Baltimore, MD 21202

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

EIGHT DAYS A WEEK: PRINCETON RUB


"Zac jumped on top of me, rubbing his dick against my belly in that unreasonable facsimile of fucking once known as the "Princeton Rub".  After a very short while, Zac made a sound like one of those little round boxes that mimic a kitten's "mew" when you turn it over; and spewed his orgasm all over my belly.  After which, he rolled over into a noisy case of sleep, leaving me wet and sticky and quite unsatisfied."

--p 189-190

Chapter 49 of Larry Duplechan's Eight Days a Week:

BOYS WITH BEARDS: THE PROPHET ELIJAH



Once again a date stood me up!

Even though I left the door open and everything, Elijah was a no show.  At least this time I wasn't patiently disappointed left holding my jockstrap and blindfold.  I might not have gotten everything right, but I certainly had fun improvising my very first Passover meal.

If there is any holiday a good communist should celebrate (other than May Day), it's Passover: Simultaneously commemorating the end of slavery for the ancient Jews while emphasizing our duty to extend the gesture of liberation and freedom to all mankind.   Hurry up and join the party already Elijah. We've been waiting a loooooong time.



Everything you need to eat your way to freedom: My own special "bitter herb" (not pictured), parsleyegg, lamb chop with fig-balsamic demi-glace in the place of a shank bone, Charoset (apples, raisins and walnuts in wine), and a bitter-ish vegetable: kale.


Cookin'


The Tower of Parsley


What would a humble gentile Pesach be without a little Seder sacrilege: treif javelina wine.  


The "hidden" Afikomen.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I SEE PENIS: CHEER LEADER



"Hey hey!  Ra!  Ra!  Hey hey!  Ra!  Ra! . . .

. . . Colby's lazy and can't come up with a funny cheer to correlate with this Arkansas I SEE PENIS.

Can you?




ARTISTS I LIKE: CHRISTIAN (SPARKLE ARTIST)


Christian (aka Sparkle Artist) has approached me about a new project he's working with a coloring-book style approach to drawing penises from photographs.  He's asked me for a couple of Colby cock images to received similar treatment.  Anybody have a favorite Colby Cock shot to recommend?


He also has this great video from an installation that just makes me think of a snow globe. . . and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Definitely sad I missed this experience. . .


Monday, March 25, 2013

COLBY DOPPELGANGER: MANET'S DEAD CHRIST


Edouard Manet's Le Christ mort et les anges

I've cum to redeem you for your sins. . . but let's sin a little more before we get the whole redemption thing started. . .

I SEE PENIS: BOB, YAYA, AND KITTY

After some serious donut action at DOUGH in Brooklyn, we stumbled across three street art penises. How perfect since we had all those new donut holes to fill. Good thing we didn't get any Bavarian creams!!!











Sunday, March 24, 2013

BED HEAD COLBY

I'm exhausted. Who stays up this late?!? I attended the Black Party last night and now. . . I've got bed head! Yawn!!!













Saturday, March 23, 2013

FISTFUL OF FIBER

Do you ever have those moments when you remember something you haven't thought of in years, decades even? Through an accidental FreshDirect order, I ended up with an original box of Shredded Wheat, the BIG KIND. I had completely forgotten it used to only come in this size. Nowadays we have tons of high fiber transfer options at breakfast, but back in the early 80s this was it. And of course I had to giggle when, taking in its size and shape, that there was something symbolic going on when the product was first developed... Which reminds me I really need to use the bathroom now.



Friday, March 22, 2013

INTO ME/OUT OF ME



Don't know what to do with your upcoming tax rebate???  Stop worrying and start spending.

Celebrate spring and shut me indoors with a heap of new art books!  I need do something with myself when it rains right (besides the obvious of course).  An especially sticky wet willy (and a very sincere thank you) to BSD reader Nick for donating an out-of-the-blue gift from my Amazon Wish List, "Into Me/Out of Me".  If you're thirsty for a comprehensive survey of the art world's sexual shinanigans, with cover-to-cover full-color illustrations to match, this book is for you.

And now, thanks to Nick, for me.  Thanks again Nick.  MUAH.  Mgeeshp Mgeeshp*

*Eldest brother Chedder Keller's signature vocal indicator upon the completion of a successful wet-willy.