Friday, May 31, 2013

BISHOE JUKE-BOX: TUNES FOR GLUTES


I'm feelin' a lil extra friendly this afternoon, so I put together a few tunes to celebrate our largest muscle, the gluteus maximus.

I realize many of you may find some of the songs, well . . . a stretch.

But every good butt needs a stretch now and again right?

To celebrate the Age of Legal Consent in the United States, I've provided a track for each and every eager year of maturity this particular legal milestone represents.  I, for one, just couldn't wait to vote!

If you listen ALLLLL THE WAAAAAY to the very end, I'll even give you a extra present: One firm, but lovingly placed, kiss right on your backend from me!  (telepathically of course)

Unfortunately, you won't find Sir Mix-A-Lot's classic "Baby Got Back (I Like Big Butts)" cause we've all heard that one a million times and I couldn't find a fun-enough cover.   One in Malagasy maybe?  Help a big-butt-lovin' brother out.


 


1. 

Bubble Butt, Major Lazer featuring Bruno Mars, Tyga, and Mystic.

2.

Cook that sack of flour every hour: Keep My Skillet Good and Greasy, Those Darlins.  

3.

Bite the Thong . . . before the thong bites back, JJ Doom.  Pull your pants down and join the crack epidemic.

4.

"Please put my glan(s) in your hand."  Says it all I think: Fuckin' in the Butt, David Allan Coe. 

5. 

Dirty Sneaker and Underwear, Emily Wells.

6.

Backseat Becomes a Zone While We Glide, Jam City

7.

To my big bootied Balmer boys!  (And all the best junk-in-the-trunk your hood has on tap too).  Drop it like its hot (just don't shoot).  Shake Fa Ya Hood, Ricky B.

8.

I've met more than a few "giant balls of rock" that did some serious damage to my you-know-what (careful with those steroids boys!).  That said, I'll still howl at firm, full moon if the moment strikes.  The Moon is There, I Am Here, from The Blow.

9.

Young Man Who Wouldn't Raise Corn, Jean Ritchie.  Maybe he's just workin' with the wrong kinda hoe???  Fuck muffins!  Give the boy some gluten. . . gluteus maximus!  Buns.  An allegory of laziness?  Or deviant sexuality?  Both?  You be the judge.

10.

Holy Roller, Thao And The Get Down Stay Down.  Cuz, "I've been looking for the end of want.  I don't want it but I need it" . . . BUT . . . "I want love in the aftermath."  Holy Rollers have the best butts.  but?

11.

The story of my life.  Body and mind?  MINUS Body + MINUS Mind.  Without A Body or A Numb and Useless Mind, Larkin Grimm.  But what about the butt?

12.

A big butt does leave a big shadow (even if you can't see it behind you).  Me and My Shadow, Peggy Lee.
 
13.

 Hold My Hips. . . They're close to my butt.  Dengue Fever.
  
14.

Mandatory Public Service Announcement: Who ever says one butt is enough?  Beware of whores.  Next (Au Suivant), from "Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris".

15.

Nothin' gets my booty poppin' like a well worked tom-tom.  Seriously.  A pow-wow palette cleanser and a reminder to thank your mom and dad for all your best ass-ets.  Cute and Cuddly, Arianne, Matt Jr. and Maximus Sheka.  

16.

Let me hear those "Honey Horns" boys!  Even if you don't have a juicy booty, you still gotta love yourself.  I Like It That Way, Sweet Honey in the Rock (Yes, that's right.  SHitR.  Just in case anyone confuses me for "cool").

17.

Whether you're a citizen of Fist City or a resident of Tighty Town, remember, kegels are for everyone.    Fist City. . . Loretta Lynn.

18.

What happens when a dirty pig meets a big butt?  The Hog Story, Jerry Jordan. 

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT


A new hair cut makes all the difference!  Even I'd fuck me.    

All credit belongs to the unsurpassable scissoring skills of hair-maestro Jeff Chastain, who turned my "Hershey's Kiss" mop-top into. . . well, a normal hairdo-- no small feat I assure you.  Two cowlicks in the back and one in the front, and that's just the swirl.  I'm too embarrassed to tell you what makes it stand up on end!*


Hershey swirl

* Doh.  I can't keep a secret.  100 brushes forward and 200 hundred back.  Once in the morning and twice at night. :-) 

Thursday, May 30, 2013

EIGHT DAYS A WEEK: CONTENTED AS A CARNATION COW


"After, sweaty and spent and a little bit sore, I snuggled as close to Keith's big warm body as I could without becoming a tattoo on his chest.  Being with Keith again was sweeter than ever.  I could hardly hold him tightly enough, kiss him deeply enough.  My heart beat the drum line to "Doo Wah Diddy Diddy."  My veins ran melted butter.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I was home."

p. 234

"Maybe I had no right to be surprised when, one October Saturday morning (as I was frying eight slices of bacon for breakfast, feeling as contented as a Carnation cow), an orange juice glass fell (or perhaps was pushed) to its demise on the kitchen floor. . . ."

p. 236

The eggs aren't all "sunny side up" this go around.  Chapter 57 of Larry Duplechan's Eight Days A Week:

BONER (ERR, BUTT) FOR BOOKS: "PLEASURE'S TRADER JOE'S"



If I can't be a cover model, at least I can copy one.  

BSD reader Angelo Nikolopoulos recently mailed me a copy of his very own book.  Yes!  A book he wrote himself, a book of poetry: "Obscenely Yours". 

With titles like "Anonymous Creampies: Auditions" and "Fisting: Treading the Walls", it was hard picking just one poem to share with you.  I settled on "Self Suck", if for no other reason than in loyalty to my affection for Trader Joe's Mediterranean hummus:

Maybe more's not merrier but messier,
since you can be your own

object and taste of desire, both surrender
and control in one wet exchange.

Intimacy's frontbend: the torso strong-
armed against wall or swivel chair

until the sex dips into the same body's 
mouth.  It's like watering

and being watered at the same time.
Fall seven times

and you'll stand up full.  Slippery logic:
the snake who ate its tail.

Maybe it's the true preservationism,
cutting out the middleman--

him or her--making it local and organic,
pleasure's Trader Joe's.

But sustainability's never sexy,
canvas clad in its carbon-cock-blocking.

If you can't save the penguins please yourself,
objectivism's golden rule.  

To be volition and validation, lover and love,
a recipient handing himself money.

But a party of one's no fun--
even autoeroticism's depressing.

Like a return to the wellspring of childhood,
where we confronted it face-first,

our awful cub scout truth,
that we enter the valley unchartered and alone

and we must leave it this way, too.  



BIG BOOTY BREAD COMPANY


I knew carbs were good for somethin'. . . photo-opps!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I SEE PENIS: MOUSE MUSEUM/RAY GUN WING


"Mouse Museum and Ray Gun Wing" seen from above

There may be no greater purveyor of "I SEE PENIS" than American Pop Art heavyweight Claes Oldenburg-- the very idea of "soft sculpture" itself illustrates the metaphor better than anything else perhaps.  Some of his more famous phallic masterpieces include "Lipstick" from 1972 and "Soft Drainpipe, Red (Hot) Version" from 1967, at the National Gallery in Washington, DC.   If you're lucky enough to travel to NYC this summer, be sure to check out "The Street and The Store" as well as "Mouse Museum/Ray Gun Wing" on view at MoMA until August 5th.

Along with Oldenburg's early cardboard work, "The Mouse Museum" (itself the shape of a giant penis) was by far my favorite. . . . What little boy doesn't like to play with his ray gun?  All should easily identify.  Oldenburg built "Mouse Museum" for Documenta 5, in 1972.  Enter the small structure to find a miniature museum of sorts-- original sculptures placed beside a unique and odd assortment of quotidian treasures Oldenburg personally collected himself.  While you may have to stand in line a few brief minutes (beats 4 hours for the "Rain Room"!), it's well worth the wait, especially if you enjoy thrifting like me. . . . Plus, there are penises around every corner:


No, not "Raw Gun", "Ray Gun"!


Part of the ray gun collection inside the "Ray Gun Wing"


One of my favorites, "Mug" (1960) from "The Street and The Store"  


"Street Head III (Profile with Hat)" (1960), also from "The Street and The Store" 



"Lipstick" (1972), a study for a sculpture


"Soft Drainpipe, Red (Hot) Version", 1976

THE EVIL-UTION OF COLBY KELLER



Look HARD.  Can you spot me?

"E.V.O.L. (Updated)" by artist Eliot Hicks.  See more of Eliot and his work HERE.  

Eliot describes the work (and my inclusion) below:

"E.V.O.L. is the eighth part to Marina and the Diamonds' promotion of her album/story of 'Electra Heart' and I used it as a vehicle to ultimately explain my own story of intimacy. I do find it quite an "evil" thing in the sense that having someone's affection can be a lot of power and manipulation. As for the choice of porn, it's the only exposure I had as kid/teenager as someone with no upbringing in gay culture. I find the concept of love, to make love, in porn, the best way to communicate love at face value. The particular video happen to be the least "porn" looking HD footage I could find, but I definitely like the blur between traditional means of intimacy and the evolution of porn. A recognizable face doesn't hurt when reaching out to a community either, especially using pop icons, I guess it becomes the icons of porn too.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

CHOKE THE CHICKEN


Sadly, the 2013 Masturbate-a-thon ended yesterday in Philadelphia.  That doesn't mean you need to close the coop and take the chickens home to roost just yet.

If the end of festivities has made it difficult for you to fathom the idea of masturbating all by your lonesome once again, then consider Dr. Susan Block's "Guided Masturbation" sessions, which incorporate-- along with "tantric breathing" and "deep relaxation"-- "erotic hypnosis" to help you achieve more powerful solo-orgasms.

Keep your eyes on my big pocket watch.

You are feeling horny. . . very, very horny.



I SEE VAGINA: A WOMAN'S BODY IS LIKE A VIOLIN


"A Woman's Body is Like a Violin", 2009, by sometimes controversial Bay Area artist Peter Saul, part of an exhibition of his recent work, "Neptune and the Octopus Painter", on view at Veneklasen Werner in Berlin until June 29th.  A few of my favorites below:


"Need to Shave", 2010


"Don't Make Me Nervuss", 2010


"Head", 2013


"Wall Street Suicide", 2012


"Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile", 2013


"Rembrandt Duck", 2012

Monday, May 27, 2013

I SEE PENIS: GEORGE WASHINGTON


He might not technically have been one of the 700,000 or so men and women to have surrendered their lives for the United States Armed Forces, but he was our first general.  A man of so much marble deserves more than few throbbing hard cock shots.   

Happy (?) Memorial Day

 



ROCKETS RED GLARE


Dr. John, The Patriotic Flag Waiver:


 Remember!  Men and women died to give you all this:





Patriotic cock cookies, cock cozey, and one hung marine. 

Sunday, May 26, 2013

BONERS FOR BOOKS: KUNSTHALLE BERN, 1992


If there is one solid attribute I can claim for myself, a single trait that never seems to change, it's my faulty memory.  

I can't remember if I've already posted this "Boner for Book".  If I did, It should've appeared a loooong time ago.  A quick search through my post history didn't seem to reveal any mention of "Kunsthalle Bern, 1992" by artist Michael Asher, part of the One Work series by Afterall magazine which explores a single pivotal piece of contemporary art in depth . . . so I'm posting it again now?  For the first time?  

My undying gratitude and sincerest apologies to BSD buddee Kirk "McK" both for his generosity and patience in dealing with my faulty memory, whatever the near doubling side-effects.   Two boners are better than one right?  :-)




I SEE PENIS: SEE MEN!



SEE MEN!: Semen shot straight from a penis shooting semen.

Meta.

Real honest-to-goodness cumshot courtesy of the boyfriend of BSD reader Luis from Barcelona and Luis himself, who fucked it out of him . . . and then thought of me.  :-)

Saturday, May 25, 2013

HOMO VANGHOMA




Just in case you didn't hit yesterday's DANCE hyperlink: Any woman who can DANCE sitting down, behind a tree stump is a woman after my own heart.  I, for one, take my DANCE parties sitting down.   

Happy Memorial DANCE!  Break out the sports bras brothers and get the party started! 

And if you need help DANCING while standing, consult my ultimate favorite, The Tshetsha Boys:





My orange juice brings all the boys to the yard, Nkata Mawewe -- "Khulumani":


Holy Shit.  This guy totally figured green screen OUT.  I'm taking notes.  Brilliant.  Zinja Hlungwani, "Nwa Gezani My Love":



I CAN'T STOP DANCING!

Friday, May 24, 2013

I HEAR TITS: DICK SUCK


Tips! Sup?

Dick Suck.

TITS UP.  What do you hear?  Cause I hear 'em all.

My Memorial Day gift to you-- It ain't much (but then again, who else gives away presents on Memorial Day??? . . Oh right, the countless men and women of our armed forces).

Enjoy this small mixed bag of BigShoe Tunes, for the following 12 reasons if necessary:

1.

"Please wait here for the Art"-- A little reminder from my Calvinist forefathers, straight from their well-swept Swiss graves: A three day weekend is NO excuse to abandon your work-ethic and go . . . Tits Up (The Uncluded).  ;-)

2.

"Kept in a cupboard or under a blanket, roll it and pat it and finally spank it. . . so ditch it, and burn it and try something new", What You Say (Bobby Birdman).

3.

Umm.  The 80s. . . Remixed in Africa.   Need I say more?  And NO.  I haven't had enough.  Some decades are just better than others.  On Est Ensemble (Kaysha featuring Anofela & Top One Frisson).

4.

Why?  Cause "I wrestle nightly for some instigation" and 'cause my "EXIT door" needs some contraflow traffic if you know what I mean.  All You're Waiting For (CLASSIXX featuring Nancy Whang).

5.  

To The Earth, cause we'll have weekends on the beach come January some day soon (Key Losers).

6.

"Watch me pluck your muthafuckinfeather". . . I'll be in your house, on the couch, with my pistol out", Murdergong (Jib Kidder).

7.

Need something to do?  Relax with Retired Description (Key Losers).

8.

"I crack my whips and swing my hips and wet my lips . . . and stomp my little bossy foot": Karl Marx, John the Baptist, and Temptation?  Sounds like a fun weekend to me!  Tempting Salome, from "The Karl Marx Play" by Galt MacDermot.

9.

Too much for you?  Return to your Gay House Party if you have to!  Funny even if you don't know German. . . like me.  Translations welcome (Jeans Team).

10.

"My dick won't even call her, cause she left all that lipstick".  Down on the bayou, mamma likes to celebrate every government holiday with a "special cigarette", Smoke Again (Chance The Rapper, featuring Ab-Soul).  "Let me put my mouth where you potty boo."

11.

"Thru the kaleidoscope is a grain of sand" . . . especially if you're on the beach this weekend.  Dance bitches!  Dance for Marines!  Dance for Mother Africa!  Dance in my Daddy's memory! (It's his birthday this weekend):  Papa (Tlyiselani Vornaseve).  DANCE!

12.

The Reason for the season. . . Or is it?  Get Free (Major Lazer, featuring Amber of Dirty Projectors)


BUTTS AHOY MATEY


Secret surveillance GIF of Special Agent, scene partner and bunk mate Dale Cooper laying his skivvies on the line.

Keep your eyes peeled for the full release on Cockyboys.com.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

GUY WITH GLASSES: MR. RIOT


Straight from Stuttgart and cute as a button, "Guy with Glasses" Kevin, AKA Mr. Riot: He's 21, but "feels much older" in his head.  He works in a youth welfare office in Germany.

"My Great-granfather was mongul (the reason, why my eyes are almond-shaped), I am one of those typical still-water runs deep guys; I'm always horny; Love the colours green, blue and orange."  And we love you Kevin!  (pinches cheeks)


BOOKS FOR BONERS: HARRY BUSH, HARD BOYS


BSD Bud "Shea from SF" knows how to inspire the activist in me.  This IS Masturbate-a-thon 2013 after all and any-and-all wack-off inspiration is well-appreciated.  I feel like I've lost the ability sometimes, especially since I stopped regularly masturbating over a year ago.

What could possibly do the trick better than a beautifully hard-bound copy of "Harry Bush: Hard Boys"?  If you're anything like me and enjoy a well-illustrated ass, you'll enjoy the ouerotic oeuvre of this particularly well-known queer artist.  To see more of his work, check out this dedicated tumblr HERE.

To contribute your own individualized cockshot to the Boners for Books Colby Keller Charity Drive consult this helpful donation guide.








Wednesday, May 22, 2013

EIGHT DAYS A WEEK: SHE SNORTED A CIGARETTE-SMOKY LAUGH


Despite my cold, I soldier on. . . 

"'Damn close.'  She put a pudgy nail-gnawed hand across mine."

--p. 233

Chapter 56 of Larry Duplechan's Eight Days a Week:

KOKI-"COLBY"-GAMI: BUTTPLUG


A reader simply known as "Buttplug" sent in the following B&W Colby Kokigami pics.  It's been such a looong time since Lil Colby has seen a hard, throbbing ankle spanker, he's holdin' on for dear life!

If Big Colby won't ride your nob (I can only be in so many places on so many men at one time after-all), I guarantee Lil Colby can help.  Give him a shot (or two or three) for both of us.  Simply print him off HERE and submit the results to bigshoediaries@gmail.com.  Feel free to get as creative as you'd like.  I'm still waiting for a Colby Kokigami pic mid-fuck. . . Any takers?

As always, a giant heap of appreciation and praise for illustrator extraordinaire J.Bone.