TAP MY APP

A swipe to your right.  

A swipe to your left.  

Keep your forefinger thumbing (and your forethought at bay) and the fine young gentleman above will grow in size right before your very eyes!  Finally an app for erection fanciers like myself.  I'm not about to recycle my old stack of EFQs, but I like the idea.  Any young aspiring sepia-tone directors want to help me film my own?  With a happy ending this time?  Sadly, artist Dani Ploeger's interactive video "Ascending Performance" is only available on the Android adult app market MiKandi.  

Sadly (and thankfully) because a kindhearted friend took pity on the poor this past weekend and donated me his old iPhone, my first!  Not an Android, but as good an excuse as any to toss my old Nokia block phone back in the garbage bin of techno-history.  Maybe now people will stop accusing me of being a drug dealer (and asking me to join Instagram).  

In the spirit of Ploeger's app, my first smart phone selfie, "Descending Performance, Shaved", 2013:    

KNOB GOBBLER

Gobble! Gobble!

"Sexy face" is surprisingly hard to maintain stoned.

My go-to GIF maker Gifninja is on the fritz.  Does anyone know where I can find a decent app that doesn't stamp a hideous watermark on the final product?  :-(

COCK APPS

Ever wonder what kind of equipment your secret gym crush in packing in those loose fitting basketball shorts?

With a firm handshake (and a discretely hidden finger-measuring device) you can now finally find out. . . without all the hard work of taking him to bed beforehand.

Predicktor, a recently released iPhone app, was designed by Dr. Chris Culligan, a Toronto-based family physician.  The app predicts cock-size using six interrelated metrics: age, height, shoe size, buttock size, finger length, and sexual orientation.  Dr. Culligan's algorithm depends heavily on the theory that a set of human "Hox genes" influences finger length, penis size and sexual orientation.  According to the theory, gay men have larger penises.  Data mined from the groundbreaking work of Alfred Kinsey, suggests that gay men on average have both thicker and longer pensises (by nearly a third of an inch).

Whoo Hoo!

Predicktor joins Condom Size, another genital-themed phone app released earlier this year.  Condom Size instructs users on proper penis measurement with the aim of encouraging appropriately-sized condom usage.  The app then collates your cock, aligning your measurments against a "world ranking" chart, thereby permitting users to compare their length and girth to global averages.

And you thought your iPhone was just for homemade porn!